Time for a Cochlear Implant!

I'm a single Mom and I write so much for pay, six days a week, that I rarely write for pleasure anymore. I don't mind, but I miss it sometimes and now seems like an appropriate moment to get back into it. 

Over the past six months, I've been moving through the health care system, inching towards my surgery day for a cochlear implant. It's going to happen on the 5th of June, 2017. 

Some of you may already know that the past several months have been extremely challenging for me on a personal level. My computer and phone were hacked and I've been dealing with a lot of weirdness which is too disturbing to go into here.  

I've handled the pressure as best I can and it's not something that I'm going to give any more energy to.  

Suffice it to say that things have calmed down somewhat and I'm ready to move forward. 

Despite all of the issues I've had to deal with since mid-October, I feel very positive about where my life is going.

I've Been Hard of Hearing for Decades

When I was only fifteen, I had problems which indicated hearing loss. However, at that time, I didn't really realize that I had worse hearing then others. For example, I remember being unable to comprehend the French words that my long-suffering French Immersion teacher, M. LaForest, played on a tape recorder in class. 

I was fine with the written French work. However, I simply couldn't make sense of what I was hearing on the tape recorder. I couldn't understand a single word and just assumed I wasn't very bright. 

I realize in retrospect that I was already dealing with hearing loss. My maternal grandmother had the same type of problem which started around the same time in her life.

It took a couple more years until things reached critical mass. I went to University, where I had a scholarship for Journalism. During that time frame, I lost the ability to hear a single word that was said in class. 

One day, I was washing my face and realized that I couldn't hear the water running. This was serious and traumatic. There could be no more "putting up with it" and no more denial. It was just too serious. 

I went to an audiologist and it took him all of thirty seconds, armed with a single tuning fork, to diagnose hearing loss that would only grow worse over time. I was fitted with hearing aids. It was truly awful. Do you know that I haven't made a single phone call since I was a teenager? I can't. 

Thus began the next phase of life, which was moving out of the hearing world into the netherworld of the late-deafened. This is quite a nasty shock. It's something that so many people have to go through. In my late teens, I was ill-equipped to deal with the isolation and confusion. It was a rough time and one that darkened my dreams. 

It changed everything and, now, at 46 years of age, I look back on thirty-one years of hearing loss and just...shake my head. Like, "wow". It's been so intense! It's not like there is no joy. It's not like I can't hear anything. I actually have great hearing aids. I love music. It's just not the same. 

My memories of having normal hearing are so faint. I know as a young girl I used to sit in the back of my parent's car and listen to "Devil Woman" by Cliff Richard on the radio. I remember I used to talk to people on the phone while I ate popcorn and watched Dynasty on a small TV in the family kitchen. 

The ease with which I heard back then seems miraculous now, like something magical from another life...

Someone that I talked to at the hospital said that the lives of the hard of hearing get narrower over time. I understand what that means but I want to broaden my horizons. Life is supposed to be about progress.  

It's such an ordeal to try and piece together what's happening around you. You can't relax in group situations. You can't relax one on one. Your brain is always trying to fill in the blanks. It keeps the body and mind in a chronic stress state. 

We're supposed to deal with stress intermittently and then have breaks. The severely hard of hearing don't really get these breaks. Quite often, I feel like a soldier trudging through a field, with blisters on my feet and miles to go before rest is possible. 

You just keep walking, but it hurts...

You get used to living with stress and it's not the end of the world, but maybe there's a better way. 

This is where the cochlear implant comes in...

A couple of years ago, I considered the cochlear implant, but got cold feet. Although I have a job I like and a wonderful son, I don't consider myself naturally lucky (this is perhaps not really true) and I figured the cochlear implant would not work for me. I thought the risk of it not working was too great to take. 

I knew if it didn't work, it would wipe out every bit of residual hearing in the implanted ear. If it failed, I would be worse off. 

That's still the case, actually, but I'm going to do it anyway. The technology has really moved forward and my surgeon has told me that people like me, who are late-deafened, do very well with cochlear implants. He said the technology is amazing. 

His positive energy gives me confidence. 

Yesterday, I went to the hospital and they used magnetic resonance imaging technology to check the bone placements in my inner ear. Apparently, the relevant bones are in the normal positions, so it's all right to operate. 

The next step is the cochlear implant surgery on the 5th of June. The surgery date is so close! They actually offered me an earlier date and I panicked and said no. I thought I would need to wait two years to get the cochlear implant, but more funding was accessed and the waiting list just...shrunk. I felt everything was moving too fast, so I kept the original surgery date.  

I am grateful that I don't have to wait two years or more. My main concern is how long it will take me to recover before I can start working again. 

Right now, I've taken the almost-unprecedented step of booking three days off from my full-time job. I've been working for the same person for years and she could not be more supportive. 

So, this is the first installment of my cochlear implant blog. When I get the surgery, I'll take photographs and then have my son videotape the activation of the cochlear implant. While we're told to manage our expectations and I definitely do this everyday, I'm certainly curious about the technology and what it will do for me. 

This blog is being posted on social media, but it's really for anyone who wants to learn about the cochlear implant and how it might help them. I look at so many other blogs from cochlear implant patients and they are valuable resources. I want to record what happens to me with perfect honesty. 

It's a journey and the operation itself is a leap of faith. I have no control over the outcome. 

We hard of hearing people are everywhere. We have invisible disabilities which change our entire lives. We suffer a lot because of silence and we frequently suffer in silence. The good people at St. Paul's Hospital devote their careers to easing our suffering. The kind donors who give money so that we may access free cochlear implants are likewise heroes to the deaf and hard of hearing. 

I can't tell you how nice everyone at St. Paul's Hospital is. I am lucky to be a patient there. 

Anyway, it's time to just chill until the big day. To work and to prepare. Then, I'll need to have a bit of my head shaved and I'll go under general anesthetic for a couple of hours. I should go home that night. 

Who I'll be four to six weeks later, when the cochlear implant is activated, is still a mystery. It's a great adventure and 2017 is shaping up to be a pivotal year in the life of this freelance writer and single Mom.